DEAR DEIDRE: SEEING my ex again after he cheated on me was so painful and now it’s got even more complicated.
I made it clear that we were only casually dating and it didn’t mean we were back together again.
But then I started feeling sick and took a pregnancy test. To my surprise it was positive.
I am 29 and my ex is 31. We had been together for three years when I discovered his affair and ended our relationship.
They went on to become an item until I came back into the picture.
I had gone to my ex’s flat to collect the last of my belongings a few months after we broke up.
I jokingly flirted with him to get back at him. I know I looked good.
It was my way of giving them both a slap in the face. He complimented me and asked if we could go out for a drink.
I refused and was thinking about blocking him when he messaged me again.
He was persuasive and so I agreed. We’ve been kind of dating but I never took it seriously until I realised I am pregnant with his child. I still have so much resentment towards my ex and this other woman.
I sometimes have dreams about it. I want the best for my baby, which I believe means having two parents.
How can I move on from this so we can be good parents together?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your ex deceived you and it’s not surprising you are resentful towards him.
It’s admirable that you want to move on, if only for your baby’s sake to start with.
If you want your relationship to work, you will need to be really honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel.
Otherwise, nothing will change and it is unlikely these feelings will go away. It is his place now to reassure you of his feelings and prove that you are the one he wants.
My support pack Cheating, Can You Get Over It? explains more.
You can also find support through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 0207 380 1975) which offers affordable counselling either online or in person.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I AM MORE THAN JUST DOG SITTER
DEAR DEIDRE: MY friends automatically assume they can arrange outings together and I will take care of their dog at the drop of a hat.
I am a 63-year-old single woman. One of my friends has a dog that I walk most days.
These two friends are always arranging days out and other things they want to do, expecting me to take care of the dog.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the dog. I am resentful because they never ask me if I am available first. They assume they can just go off and I will take care of the pup.
I am starting to feel used and taken advantage of. If I refuse I can tell they don’t like it. I have mentioned to them they should ask me first before they arrange outings for themselves.
That went down like a lead balloon.
DEIDRE SAYS: It never feels good when someone takes advantage of your good nature.
A frank talk can be hard but you should tell them about how it makes you feel used when they make these arrangements.
It may help to be less available. You do not need to be at their beck and call.
Read my support pack Standing Up For Yourself to help you to talk to them.
‘THE LADS’ LAUGH AT MY WAYS
DEAR DEIDRE: My friends and colleagues constantly knock me because I’m not one of “the lads” – but that just isn’t me.
They criticise me because I don’t want to go on their macho nights out. I have lots of male friends but I don’t need to beat my chest to prove how manly I am.
I think others dislike me as I am middle-class but I went to normal state schools. I am 24 and live on a normal housing estate and drive an old car.
There is one local man who has really stepped up his abuse since I politely rejected his lads’ holiday offer.
My holidays are about relaxing with my family or my girlfriend. We have a break booked later this year in Italy. I can’t wait to explore the food culture there.
I’m not into “heavy drinking lads’ holidays”.
How do I deal with people being borderline abusive about my choices? I’m polite but not a wet blanket.
DEIDRE SAYS: Why would you go on holiday with someone who puts you down?
Their put downs have nothing to do with you and are much more about how they feel about themselves.
You don’t have to stay friends with people you feel dislike you. But be polite and professional to maintain good working relationships.
FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A LESBIAN
DEAR DEIDRE: MY heart broke when the woman I love told me she was only interested in dating other women.
I am a 26-year-old man. I have known my female friend for years. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off straight away.
She is 24 and is a lesbian. I used to see her now and again, but recently we have spent so much time together.
We know each other so well. When we met I was in a relationship and although I found my friend attractive, she was very direct and told me she only liked women.
When my relationship ended I got closer to my friend and developed strong feelings for her.
Laughing at the same films or comic sketches, I get so caught up in the moment sometimes. We fit so well. We love the same music, films, pubs and even support the same football team.
I have tried to suppress my feelings for her but it’s been impossible and I’ve fallen completely for her. One night after a couple of drinks I blurted out how I felt and told her that I loved her.
But after opening up to her, she insists that it is strictly women only for her.
I feel completely floored. My heart is broken. Can you help me?
DEIDRE SAYS: It is obvious that you love each other as friends. But now you have confessed your feelings for her, you have made things more complicated.
I know you want her to choose you over her preference for women, but she can’t change her sexuality.
Sexual feelings can and do fade. If you value your friendship you need to accept that is the limit of your relationship.
You would be better off looking for a new partner elsewhere. If you can’t do that you may need to start distancing yourself, or you’ll end up resenting each other.
My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help you to move on.
