DEAR DEIDRE: FINALLY getting my teenage crush into bed was everything I wanted it to be – the trouble was I already had a girlfriend.
I’m a man of 31 and I was in a long-term relationship with a lovely woman I met at work.
She’s 28 and we are in the same sales department.
We had been dating for a year and I was about to move into her flat, but there’s no chance of that now.
When I was a teenager, I was infatuated with a girl on my college course.
She was pretty and popular but, at the age of 18, I never had the courage to even speak to her.
Fast forward to three months ago and I was on an external training course for work.
I couldn’t believe it when I got there and found out my crush was on the course too.
During the break, I went over to her and she recognised me.
She’s 30 now. We chatted about work and what we were doing now.
We had our lunch together later. All those feelings came flooding back for me.
That evening after dinner, I walked her up to her room and I took my chances and kissed her.
It felt electric and then it felt natural to go into her room. We had sex and I kept having a “pinch me” moment.
But the next morning, I felt so guilty. I didn’t have the heart to tell my girlfriend I had cheated, so I simply ended our relationship when I got home.
She’s heartbroken. She doesn’t understand and wants to try again.
I’ve been seeing the girl from my teenage years for a month now but feel bad about how I treated my ex.
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DEIDRE SAYS: It’s normal to have mixed emotions when a relationship ends but you can’t have it both ways.
You have moved on very quickly. Let’s hope this new relationship is the stuff dreams are made of, because right now, it’s nothing more than lust.
Cheating on your ex was wrong but it’s done now. Rather than simply cutting your ex out, she deserves an explanation.
Tell her that your feelings changed but it was absolutely no reflection on her.
My support pack, Ending A Relationship, explains how to let somebody go in the kindest way possible.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
BULLY EX HAS HOLD OVER ME
DEAR DEIDRE: IT took a while but I finally managed to kick out my abusive partner. However, I still feel tied to him.
He won’t let me move on with my life.
I’m now a 34-year-old single mum to our daughter, who is five. My ex-partner is 40 and he used to pinch and scratch me.
If we had a row he would practically push me out of the car and make me walk home.
When he held me around the throat up against the wall, that was the last straw and I screamed at him to leave.
He still sees our daughter but he has told me that if I find a new relationship, he’ll never see our little girl again.
I feel like I’ll never be happy.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been brave enough to stand up for yourself, but the abuse continues.
You have a right to a peaceful life but this bully still has a hold over you.
He’s using your daughter as a pawn in order to control you.
If he’s prone to bouts of temper, you need to be careful.
Your safety and that of your child has to be your priority, so discuss whether still seeing this man is wise by talking to a counsellor at The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk, 0808 2000 247).
SHE WANTS TO DATE ME BUT I’M GAY
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM under huge pressure from the guys I work with to ask out one of our pretty colleagues. I know she likes me, but the truth is, I’m a gay man.
I’m 35 and single. I’m not out because my family are homophobic. I have many female friends so I imagine they suspect nothing.
There’s a girl at work who is 29 and single and I can tell she likes me. Now she has asked one of my mates if he’ll do his best to get us together.
While I like her as a friend, a relationship is not going to happen. How can I tell them I’m not interested without blowing my cover?
DEIDRE SAYS: Tell her and your colleagues that your rule is never to date somebody from work.
Explain that you like her as a friend but you want to keep your relationships professional.
Your sexuality is your private life so don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do.
If you do come to the point where you want to talk to your family, or introduce them to a partner, you can find help through FFLAG, a charity supporting friends and family of lesbians or gays or who have a bisexual family member (fflag.org.uk, 0300 688 0368).
LOSS OF JOB HAS HIT HIM FOR SIX
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend behaves as if there’s a big black cloud hanging over him because he lost his job.
He has completely lost his va-va-voom. He was working for a printing company but they have had to make cuts since the government made it more expensive for small businesses to function.
Now all he does is mope around. Despite having a degree, he is not even applying for jobs.
He’s 29 and I’m 27. He lives with me and my two boys from a previous relationship. He’s a great stepdad to them both.
My boyfriend would love more children and we had agreed on that.
To keep our heads above water I’m working long hours and, when the boys were squabbling, I said to my boyfriend that I couldn’t cope with having another child.
When I cooled down, I told him that I didn’t mean it but he had really taken it to heart.
Now he sees no future for anything and thinks he won’t work again or be the family man that he wants to be. How can I encourage him that it’s not all as bleak as it seems?
DEIDRE SAYS: He is taking his redundancy personally and grieving that lost job.
Now he is coping with dented pride too. He has good family values and he wants to be able to provide.
When you announced you didn’t want any more children, this was another dream gone in his eyes.
Although you have said that you didn’t mean it, he’s not hearing you. He feels a failure.
In a quiet moment, encourage him to check out Mind (mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393) which has a section on its website about helping people to navigate redundancy.
Explain that this is a bump in the road and he should look at it as an opportunity to decide if he wants to find a different career path.
Doing some voluntary work will help him feel a sense of purpose.
There is more information in my support pack Help For Jobhunters.
