DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I was a kid, I have been obsessed with women’s feet and shoes.
I used to think it was harmless, but now I’m worried my fetish is damaging my chances of finding love.
I’ve had flings and one-night stands, but because I focus on their feet more than any other part of their body, they soon feel uncomfortable. After a couple of sessions in the bedroom, women always vanish.
I’m a 28-year-old single man with a good job as an accountant, and I’d love a happy, normal relationship.
But I’ve started to keep people at a distance because I don’t want them to find out about my fetish. It’s embarrassing.
It started when I was seven and got trapped in my parents’ wardrobe during a game of hide and seek.
I started to panic, but then I found my mother’s shoes. Holding them comforted me.
As I got older, I started to find shoes and feet sexually arousing. While the other boys were interested in breasts or bums, I always looked at girls’ feet.
I particularly liked it in summer when they wore sandals and painted their toenails red.
I had a girlfriend when I was 18, but she ended it because I was more interested in caressing and sucking her toes than sex.
She made me feel like an inadequate freak.
I have a large collection of women’s shoes, which I keep under my bed. I’ve never admitted my fetish to anyone before. What can I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Foot fetishes are not uncommon, but people rarely talk about having them, which is why you feel so alone.
Some experts believe there’s a scientific explanation.
In the part of the brain that makes you feel things – the somatosensory cortex – the feet are right next to the genitals. Sometimes, the wires get crossed.
It’s also possible that the comfort you felt from the shoes in your mum’s wardrobe somehow became linked to your developing sexuality.
Either way, you are not hurting anyone and shouldn’t feel ashamed. It’s sad you feel you need to stop having relationships.
My support pack, Fetish Worries, explains more. You can also get help from the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk).
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
HOW DO I CONTROL TEMPER?
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE a really short fuse and cause arguments with my girlfriend over nothing.
I feel instant regret but, in the heat of the moment, I see red and lose my temper.
I’m frightened I’m going to drive her away.
I’m 36, my girlfriend is 32, and we’ve been together for two-and-a-half years.
It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had and we love each other more than anything.
The only issue is that I flip out at the smallest of things.
Whether it’s her leaving a dirty dish in the sink or teasing me with a jokey comment, I lose my head.
I’d never dream of getting physical or violent, but I become stressed and storm off. Sometimes I refuse to talk to her for days.
Eventually, I see that I’ve overreacted and she always forgives me, but I know it’s not fair. I want to stop because I’m frightened of losing her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your anger problems are likely rooted in your childhood.
Often, if a parent has a short temper, you can learn from them that blowing up is how to handle difficult situations. But you can train yourself to act differently.
Learning natural ways to relax can calm you down before you reach boiling point. My support pack, Managing Anger, explains.
MY AGE-GAP LOVER TOO SECRETIVE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend won’t let me post pics of us on Instagram because he is so protective of his privacy.
But sometimes his attitude feels over-the-top. I don’t want to keep our relationship a secret forever.
He’s 41, I’m 27 and we’ve been together for just under a year.
He’s always been so insistent on keeping things low-key, so I’ve never met his children, who are all in their early twenties.
I knew our age gap would present challenges, but he doesn’t seem to want to work things through with me.
Recently, I wanted to share a nice photo of us on Instagram, but he said it was too soon.
When I told him I loved him, he just said: “I’m not there yet.” Am I wasting my time?
DEIDRE SAYS: A year is long enough for him to have some idea about how he feels about you.
You need to be upfront with him and ask him outright if he sees his future being with you. Tell him you don’t want to waste your time, and if he can’t see himself committing, you need to call it a day.
If the age gap is worrying him, or you, my support pack Age-Gaps – Do They Matter? will help.
NOTHING GETS ME IN MOOD NOW
DEAR DEIDRE: THE active and fun sex life I used to enjoy with my husband went downhill when we started trying for another baby.
I’m 32, my husband is 35, and we’ve been together for seven years. We have a good life together and lack nothing, except good sex.
Since the beginning of our relationship, we had always been so in tune with each other in the bedroom.
But our whole relationship suffered when I completely lost my sex drive when I was pregnant with our daughter, who is now two.
Things started to get back to normal after I gave birth, but when we started trying for our second child, things fell off completely.
It’s much worse this time. I’m three months pregnant now, and I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex since we conceived.
I’ve tried everything to find a solution – from going out for romantic dinners to having candlelit baths together, but I can’t get in the mood.
My husband is getting increasingly frustrated with me and doesn’t seem to understand that it’s out of my control.
I want him more than anything, but can’t ever get in the mood, which he doesn’t understand. It’s taking a huge toll on our relationship and I can tell he’s starting to resent me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Pregnancy can have a significant effect on a person’s sex drive, so what you’re experiencing is completely normal.
Tell your husband that you still love and desire him, but your lack of sex drive is down to your hormones.
Perhaps you can try using your imagination to satisfy him in other ways and keep you both connected – cuddles, kisses, and physical affection can go a long way.
Hopefully once you’ve given birth, you can work on your intimacy and get back to the sex life you enjoyed before.
My support packs Sex Problems After A Baby and Different Sex Drives will help.
